A man with Dissociative Identity Disorder suspects his wife is having an affair with one of his personalities. Paul offers absurdly helpful advice.
Dear Paul,
Hello, my name is Martin, and I have a problem I’m hoping you can help me with. Here’s my situation: I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is what historically we’ve called multiple personalities. This is not like a Hollywood movie. I am not a secret killer, and I keep everything in check with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. All is well—or at least I thought it was until recently.
Two weeks ago, my wife and I went to a function for my work—someone was receiving some award and we had to go. Halfway through the evening, one of my other personalities took over, and the night is now missing from my memory. The thing is, I woke up in the morning with an empty champagne bottle on the floor, my wife’s dress from that night torn and lying in a pile on the carpet, and my wife sleeping with a curiously delighted smile on her face. I let it go and chalked it up to a good evening.
However, that morning at breakfast, my wife started asking questions about Dave, one of my personalities.
My wife knows about my condition, and she is supportive and caring. But since that night, she has talked about Dave quite a bit. And three nights ago, I woke up to the sound of my wife moaning in her sleep and then telling Dave what to do to her sexually. Paul, I believe my wife is having an affair with one of my personalities. What do I do now? I love her, but in essence, she is cheating on me. Divorce or let it slide?
Signed,
One of Us is Getting Some
Dear Some,
Wow. That’s... that’s Twilight Zone material, really. I mean, yes, your wife is obviously having an affair. The thing is—she’s having it with you. So… is that cheating? That’s a tough question.
Normally, in this type of situation, I’d recommend facing the guy who’s sleeping with your wife and confronting the situation like mature adults. Maybe get the three of you into a therapy setting. Talking is the best recourse. However, sometimes that can lead to violence, and the last thing we need is you in some alley punching yourself out because you’re sleeping with your wife. That’s a whole new kind of crazy.
This reminds me of a similar situation I encountered some time ago. A set of conjoined twins—sisters—once wrote to me sharing that Tanya, one of them, was dating a man she really loved. Her sister, April, didn’t mind—she liked the guy, and they all got along well. Then one night, Arty (the boyfriend) stayed over, and all was fine. Tanya and Arty did their thing while April slept. Everyone was cool.
But a week later, Arty spent the night again, and this time, when Tanya woke up in the middle of the night to pee, she caught Arty and April together. A huge fight ensued. The sisters were devastated. Arty, for his part, said this was all too weird and left like he was emigrating to another country.
I guess that doesn’t help here, because you can’t move and leave you behind to be with your wife. Sorry. That conjoined twin story didn’t help at all, did it? No. No, it didn’t.
Okay, look—here’s the deal: even if she is having a fling with one of your personalities, she’s still having a fling with you. It’s not a complete stranger. It’s your body, your… you know… so it’s still you. Think of it as role-playing. You’re just so committed to the character that it feels like someone else is involved. How’s that?
I’d suggest having an honest talk with your wife. Ask her what it is that Dave does, and why she likes it. Dave is a part of you—maybe this is a way to learn more about yourself and bring some spice into your marriage. Don’t think of it as cheating. Think of it as an enhancement. She’s not stepping outside the marriage to get satisfaction—she’s just exploring another room in the same house.
Use this intel to your advantage. Let her have her time with Dave, but keep the communication going. When you talk to her about the night before, make sure to say things like, “So what did we do last night?” Don’t refer to Dave. Say we, us—make sure you’re including yourself so she understands that what she’s experiencing is still you. The more you can integrate Dave into your own understanding of yourself, the less you’ll feel like a third wheel in your own marriage.
As long as you’re open and honest with each other—so long as she knows you’re not feeling left out, and you know she’s not actually sneaking around—I think you’ll find some common ground. You might even come out stronger for it.
If, by chance, she starts suggesting separate vacations—just her and Dave—then you can start to worry. Until then, keep talking. And find out what Dave’s doing that’s so damn wonderful.
Yours in mind,
Paul
Disclaimer: Paul is not now nor has he ever been a doctor, although he has played one on TV. We do not condone nor condemn his advice, and the reality is, he makes all of this up anyway, so no one is hurt by his odd opinions or skewed insights. Do not take this advice the same way you’d take it from an actual therapist or a normal human being. He’s a copywriter, keep that in mind, he is a copywriter.
